Week 3:

Last week I decided I would begin meditating using Dr. Wayne Dyer's "I am" mantra. In order to prepare for that, I made a list of 21 action- centered "I am" mantras to use in my meditation. My list is below:

I printed it off and pinned it to the wall next to my bed. It was my intention to read through the qualities every day, eventually memorizing them and repeating them in my meditation. The idea was an immediate failure. I hated the list. In the first place, it was too long. If working memory can only hold 7 pieces of information, plus or minus two, how was I going to hold 21 "I ams" in my working memory in order to meditate on them? It occurred to me later that I would have better luck breaking them down into groups of 4-6 and maybe meditating on each group every day, or one group a week.

Even that idea didn't make me like "the list" though. I happened to show it to my mother. She thought it was "too self- critical" and I tended to agree. Thinking about the things I wanted to be causes me to focus on the things I'm not, when they're presented in this way. I have a problem with self- criticism anyway. I didn’t feel like focusing on the things I’m not would lead me to effective meditation.

The third problem is that I have a very short attention span. There's nothing about a list of words on a page that captures and keeps my attention for very long. I just couldn't meditate using this technique, at least not at first.

Abandoning my "I am" list, I decided to pursue further the idea of guided meditation. It seems the idea of meditating with the guidance of an expert is what will place me in the zone of proximal development.

I downloaded the Omvana phone app for Vishen Lakhiani's 6-phase meditation. The six phases again are:

1. Compassion

2. Gratitude

3. Forgiveness

4. Future Dreaming

5. Perfect Day

6. Blessing

Each phase is a guided meditation with Vishen walking you through each step. You begin with phase one on the first day, the second day you do phase one and two, etc., until you are doing all six phases every day. Being that it's Friday evening, I have gone through phase five.

I like Vishen's voice and his manner. He's easy to listen to. It seems to be much easier for me to concentrate and keep my attention with someone guiding me.

I felt immediate success with phase one. It begins with relaxation exercises to place you in a meditative state. You start by focusing on your breathing, and then on various parts of your body from your head to your feet. You then begin thinking about compassion, visualizing warmth and white light. The white light of compassion first touches your head, then envelops you, your house, your neighborhood, your city, your country and then your whole world. You repeat a suggested phrase such as, "may you be free of pain and sorrow, may joy and peace fill your heart" and extend that good wish gradually to everyone around you until the good wish fills the world.

The succeeding steps were more difficult for me. Phase two asks you to think about 3- 5 things you are grateful for in your personal life, your job, and about yourself. I had a hard time with this.

Focusing on forgiving and being forgiven in step 3 wasn't so hard, but I wondered if repeating "I forgive you and ask you to forgive me" with a certain person in mind would really bring about such feelings. I'm skeptical.

Phase 4, future dreaming, asks you to envision your future. Phase 5 asks you to envision the perfect day. I had a really hard time doing these "on the fly" during the course of the meditation. Perhaps I'll have to take some extended time pondering over these phases and even write something out, or at least have it firmly implanted in my mind. I've always had a difficult time envisioning my own future.

The other challenge this week was simply staying motivated to do even the simple guided meditation I’d chosen. I’ve pretty much pursued meditation solo at this point, but I’m really starting to see the value in having a social connection—a community of learners, or at least a community of practitioners to share meditation experiences and challenges with and (hopefully) gain encouragement from. I definitely need to ask a friend or someone else to follow up with me every few days to see how I’m doing. I thought perhaps my initial question posted on Facebook a few weeks ago would garner some un- prompted follow- up from friends, but such has not been the case.

My goal this coming week will be to find and engage myself with a meditation community, probably online, and one “real” person that will help me progress toward my goal by following up with me. I’ll probably try another guided meditation of some kind, and see if I can find a short book or two at the library.